What I Didn't Know

I knew that kindergarten was going to be a big deal. I knew that I would probably be a little nervous Joseph would probably be a little nervous. I knew that I would experience bittersweet emotions when I drove away after dropping him off that first day. I knew all this.

But I didn't know how proud I would be when my little boy let go of my hand, tears streaming down his face, and walked into his classroom all on his own.

And I didn't know how my heart would swell with joy when I saw him again at the end of that day, took in the huge smile on his face, and heard those sweet, sweet words come out of his mouth: "Mom, that was great! Can I go back?"

And I didn't know that my saddest moment would not be driving away that first day. I didn't know that it would instead come a few days later, as I watched him run off on the playground in the morning, excited beyond measure to play with his new buddies, and then suddenly stop as he scanned the playground for a friend. I didn't know how heart-breaking it would be to watch him stand there, kids swarming all around him but yet paying no attention to him, and see him look so momentarily lost. So alone in a great big world. And how overwhelming it would be to see his friend run over to him, join hands with him, and make my world right again.

And I didn't know how it would feel to be in the house during the day without Joseph here. I had thought that it would be an awesome feeling to have a quiet house while Baby Girl napped. To get to relax and indulge in a cup of coffee while reading articles for two hours without interruption. And I won't lie. It was great. But I just didn't know it would also feel so... empty.

And I didn't know how excited I would be the first time Joseph brought home a book for us to finish coloring and read together. (I *did* know I was a nerd. I really, really love school and pencils and backpacks and homework. Sigh of happiness here).

And I didn't know how relieved I would be to see Joseph stand among the diversity at his new school. This is kind of silly, because it's the main reason we picked the school. But I didn't truly understand how powerful this would be until I stood on that playground and watched Joseph play and knew that he didn't stand out because of the color of his skin and felt the weight of raising a child of color lifted off my shoulders just a bit.

And I didn't know how happy I would be to have this first week under our belt, to be back in routine, and to realize that we have a great year stretching out wide in front of us.